Only now do I understand—my Valentine’s Day

I have always been fond of that line from Xiao Heshuo’s “Only Now Do I Understand”: “Liking is a gentle love, while love is an intense liking.” Such a classic phrase! I always thought the two of us would just keep going on like this for the rest of our lives.

I still remember that night six years ago, when you suddenly asked me, “Do you like me?”

You looked so adorable when you smiled back then.

I never told you, but you were actually my first love.

Perhaps I wanted to seem more mature, more experienced in front of you, so I didn’t tell the truth. But I truly, deeply loved you!

Back then, you loved sitting behind me on my bike, humming absentmindedly.

Do you still remember that song? The one we both adored: “I want to hold your hand like this and never let go, can love always stay innocent and free from sorrow...”

How I wished that song could go on forever, until the day when both of us have lost all our teeth. Now, when I look back, a wave of indescribable sweetness always rises in my heart.

Yet somehow, that sweetness has become tinged with bitterness.

The mournful melody still lingers in the air: “One day I wake up with my mind a blank, one day I sleep with dreams so clear and bright, liking you was so simple, but forgetting you is harder than waiting forever...”

After the stroke of midnight, it will be that damned Valentine’s Day again! Honestly, I’ve always been a little afraid of this day, but every time I saw you as excited as a child, I didn’t mind at all. After all, the one I loved most was you, my dearest.

Your happiness was my greatest joy.

My beloved, I can’t stay by your side anymore, so you must be good and take care of yourself. Sometimes love is like a kite with a broken string—it can never return to your hands.

I once heard someone say, “If you ever feel lonely and alone, just look up at the night sky. Somewhere beneath it, someone else is looking up at the same sky.” Darling, it’s been so long since we lay on the rooftop together, counting the stars. Lift your head and look at the brightest star at the edge of the sky—surely you’ve seen it too, haven’t you?

Two months before the college entrance exams, you suddenly said to me, “Let’s break up.”

I was devastated. I couldn’t bear to lose you so soon. After all, we had loved so earnestly, and we had truly envisioned a future together! But your resolve was so firm...

The days without you were unbearable. Often, in the middle of class, memories of our time together would suddenly surface, and tears would well up in my eyes before I could stop them. Overnight, you became the most familiar stranger to me...

Later, I went to Quanzhou for school. By chance, during a chat with a friend, I finally learned the real reason you wanted to break up.

Silly girl! Even if we graduated, even if we were far apart, how could I ever stop loving you?

The next day, I bought a ticket back to Fuzhou. When I appeared before you, you held me and cried for a long, long time.

With a look of reproach, you said, “I only did it because I have faith in you! How was I supposed to know you’d...”

“Sweetheart, I was wrong. I’ll never do it again!” I told you earnestly. Back then, I swore to protect this beautiful love for a lifetime, never to be apart again.

Do you still remember our promise? We agreed that as soon as you graduated, you’d come to Quanzhou to be with me, and when I graduated, we’d get married, keep lots and lots of puppies, and have lots and lots of children...

Sometimes I may seem fickle, but my heart was always true to you! Maybe I was lost once, but I really couldn’t go on without you.

I naively believed we would have the fairy-tale ending, the prince and princess living happily ever after.

But reality is not a fairy tale. Snow White is doomed to sleep forever after eating the poisoned apple, and Cinderella’s glass slipper is nothing more than a fleeting dream.

In truth, we’ve always lived somewhere between dreaming and waking, just like our love—it began like a dream, and ended like one.

Only when the dream is over do I realize I am left with nothing, only a wounded body numbly repeating the same monotonous routine.

“I didn’t understand before, but now I finally do...”