Chapter Fifty-Seven: Haozi’s Phone Call

For reasons I can’t quite explain, every time I go through a breakup, the first person I think of is Haozi. Lying in bed, I found myself dialing his number without even realizing it. Before I could speak, he was already onto me: “Dead Bei, another breakup?”

I hesitated for a moment, surprised at how well Haozi could read my mind. This was becoming a bit unsettling. “How did you know?” I asked reflexively.

“I saw your posts,” Haozi replied unhurriedly on the other end of the line.

So it was my social media that had betrayed me. I let out a long sigh of relief. Damn Haozi—I almost mistook him for an all-knowing strategist.

“Uh, are you alright?” When I didn’t respond for a while, Haozi couldn’t help but ask, his voice tinged with concern.

“Heh, I’m fine! It was all just a game, there were no real feelings between us. Why would I be upset?” I forced myself to sound casual, trying to cover up the truth.

At some point, I’d learned to be dishonest. Deep down, I couldn’t deny what I’d felt for Huang Xin; otherwise, I wouldn’t have tried so many times to save our relationship. We’d been together for so long, after all—that’s only human.

“As long as you’re okay.” Haozi paused, hesitating. “Do you… want to know about Lele?”

“Lele?” The mention of her name struck a sensitive chord within me. I couldn’t help but repeat that familiar yet distant name, sitting up in bed.

“Yeah…” Haozi seemed to be searching for words.

“She’s probably doing well, isn’t she?” A girl as beautiful and charming as Lele, I could easily imagine how popular she’d be in college. No matter what, her life must be better than mine.

“No,” Haozi interrupted my musing. His voice was soft, but I heard him clearly. “I go to the same school as Lele. She’s… not doing so well lately.”

“What happened?” I was genuinely surprised.

“She’s been single ever since you two broke up. And…” Haozi trailed off, his voice suddenly gone.

The news that Lele hadn’t found another boyfriend stunned me—it was almost unbelievable. And the unfinished sentence left me with an inexplicable sense of anxiety. My voice rose: “And what?”

“Hey! Xiaobei, it’s late! Can you keep it down?” Zhang Tao, the guy in the bunk below, kicked my bed in annoyance—my outburst must have woken him up.

Not wanting to disturb my roommates, I got out of bed and made my way to the end of the corridor.

I waited there for nearly a minute before Haozi’s voice finally returned. “Sorry, Dead Bei, the counselor just came by to check on us.”

“What were you about to say?” I pressed on, unable to hide my impatience.

“Well, it’s just… Lele’s not been in great health lately. I mean, it’s not really an illness, but she’s been taking sick leave a lot.” Over the phone, Haozi seemed at a loss for how to describe Lele’s situation.

“Is she alright? She’s not seriously ill, is she?” Suddenly, I didn’t know what to do or say.

“She hasn’t changed her number. If you want to know, ask her yourself. And listen—whatever happened between you two, I can tell she still cares about you…” Haozi lowered his voice.

His words only added to my confusion.

Outside, a gentle rain began to fall. Leaning on the railing at the end of the corridor, I scrolled through my call history, realizing it had been a long time since Lele’s name had appeared there. My fingers hovered aimlessly over the keypad. Even if I summoned all my strength, I still couldn’t bring myself to press that little call button.

“You’re a coward,” I told myself.

Though more than half a year had passed, the memories remained vivid, as if everything had happened only yesterday. Faintly, I could still hear Lele’s resolute voice echoing in my ears:

“Xiaobei, I think we should break up.”

“Break… break up? Lele, you can’t be serious, can you?”

“I mean it, Li Xiaobei. Let’s break up.”

“Why?”

“There doesn’t always have to be a reason… If I don’t love you, we shouldn’t be together.”

“You have to give me a reason!”

“I… I don’t love you anymore! Is that enough?”

“It’s not enough! You were the one who said you loved me, and now you’re the one saying you don’t! Look at me!”

“Don’t do this! The past is the past, the present is the present! Li Xiaobei, you have no ambition, all you ever do is play games! I… I just don’t love you anymore!”

…

That day, it was raining softly too. Lele, do you remember?

At last, I mustered the courage to call her. “Hello, Lele, it’s me.” There was a long silence on the other end. Maybe she was still thinking about how to politely turn me down. After all, my call was abrupt.

“Lele, it’s Xiaobei!” Her silence stung. In that moment, I would have preferred a blunt rejection to this endless waiting.

“Xiaobei? Well, aren’t I the party girl now!” To my surprise, just as I was about to give up, Lele suddenly cracked a joke.

For a moment, I was at a loss for words.

Thankfully, she continued, “Li Xiaobei, what brings you to call me today? I thought you’d found someone new and forgotten all about me…” After her brief laughter, her tone grew somber again.

“Lele, I… I miss you.” I rubbed my nose, which had begun to sting.

“Oh? So, what, you broke up with your girlfriend and now you’re lonely? So you thought of me?” Her voice was icy cold—cold as ancient, unmelted ice.

Lele, you left me speechless.

“Is that it? If you’re done, I’ll hang up…” She waited for a while, then started to end the call.

“Wait! Lele…” I nearly shouted.

She took a deep breath. “Alright, say what you want. I’m listening.”

In that instant, tears welled up uncontrollably. Despite my efforts, I couldn’t stop them. Doing my best not to sob, I bit my lip and forced the words out: “Tomorrow… tomorrow I’ll come see you.”

“There’s no need. We’ve already broken up…” Her voice was weak and weary.

“No! Tomorrow I’ll come to your campus to see you! It’s settled!” Fearing she’d refuse, I hung up before she could reply. Only then did I realize I’d forgotten to ask the most important questions—but I could only wait until tomorrow’s meeting.

Everyone wears two faces: one for the world, and one for themselves. In front of others, no one ever sees my vulnerability or sadness. I might be able to fool everyone else, but I can never fool myself.

The night grew deep and silent.