Chapter Sixty-Five: Failure in Pursuing Love

The sky was gray, and the cold wind kept knocking against the window, making a strange howling sound that matched my mood. The hour hand had quietly reached nine o’clock; the first class was probably already over, yet I lay in bed, unwilling to move at all.

Last night, after dinner on Student Street, I wandered back to the dormitory alone, aimlessly. Glancing at the small restaurant by the roadside, I caught an unexpected sight in the window: a familiar face reflected in the glass—it was Little Z. Her smile was just as it had always been, but to me, it seemed more like a silent mockery.

I chose to leave, because beside her, I saw another young man.

Just then, Lele called me, seizing the moment.

“How’s it going, Piggy Bei? Still haven’t won over that girl?” Lele was impatient as soon as I answered.

“No, I’ve been rejected several times.” I sat up lazily, shaking my head in resignation, though Lele couldn’t see it.

“I’m telling you, two months are almost up. If you don’t put in some effort, you’re going to lose.” Lele couldn’t help reminding me.

“Lele, I don’t want to keep going. Let me off, please! I give up, I admit defeat, okay?” My words were weak and listless.

Strangely enough, these sorts of conversations had become our habitual opening. I remember that day, after hearing Lele’s three rules, I couldn’t take it anymore: “I really don’t want to look for a girlfriend in school! Lele! Having you is enough for me! Don’t push me!” I’d never been so agitated in my life, and it was probably the first time in over four years with Lele that I’d lost my temper so fiercely.

“It’s not that you don’t want to look—it’s that you can’t find anyone.” Lele’s words poured fuel on the fire. For some reason, the usually gentle Lele was so unreasonable.

“Tch…” I didn’t want to argue anymore, so I tried to dodge the issue and shift the topic, but Lele wouldn’t let it go.

“If you can find someone, then prove it to me!” Lele’s tone had a hint of mockery.

“You…” I’d never seen Lele so unreasonable, and for a moment, I was too angry to speak. “Fine! Lele! If you want to see it, I’ll prove it to you!”

“All right, Piggy Bei, how about we make a bet?” Lele’s smile never left her face, but now it seemed unbearably sharp.

“What’s the bet?” I stood up from the steps, asking without hesitation.

“Hmm, I’ll give you two months. If you can’t win a girlfriend at school, you have to promise me one thing! How’s that?” Lele thought for a moment, then spoke carefully, word by word.

“And if I do?” I demanded, unwilling to let it go.

“If you succeed, I’ll promise you something, too!” Lele answered without a second thought, brimming with confidence; perhaps she’d already decided I’d never win another girl.

“Do you mean it?” Lele’s attitude only strengthened my resolve—I’d prove to her that I wasn’t so undesired.

But now, looking back, I can’t help regretting the rash decision I made that day. It seems I’d overestimated myself. Scenes, fragmented and broken, began to surface in my mind…

“Hey, why won’t my phone turn on?” Little Z sat at her desk, fiddling with a brand-new MOTO phone, her face anxious.

“Really? Let me see.” I hurried over. “By the way, if I fix it, do I get a reward?”

“Um, then I’ll treat you to grass jelly.” Little Z handed me the phone, blushing.

Taking the phone, I steadied my breath, rolled up my sleeves, steeled myself for the worst, and then pressed the power button with all my focus.

The screen lit up instantly—smooth and flawless. Good grief! It was so easy.

“Haha, it’s fixed! Remember, you owe me a cup of grass jelly.” I waved the phone I’d “fixed,” a faint mischievous smile tugging at my lips.

The grass jelly was slippery and soothing in my mouth, even my mood seemed to improve.

Lele, I’m sure to win this bet!

…

“I’m sorry, I think it’s better if we just stay friends.” I couldn’t recall how many times Little Z had rejected me.

“Why? If we never try, how will you know it won’t work? Starting today, every evening from seven to nine, I’ll be waiting for you in the stadium stands…” I shouted desperately at Little Z.

Knowing full well that failure was inevitable, I still gambled everything on one last chance—perhaps that’s the tragedy of my story.

The wind was bitterly cold.

Sitting quietly on the stands by the stadium, my whole body frozen, I kept waiting for a miracle, but my hope had faded away, bit by bit, with time.

It was already the seventh day. After nine o’clock, it would all be over.

Thinking back to a week ago, when I handed Little Z an MP3 with my heartfelt confession recorded and a pot of cactus, I was so confident. But now, it’s clear I never truly understood her.

She never came.

“You’re useless! You can’t even win over one girl!” Lele’s voice was furious on the phone.

“Lele, are you really so eager to push your boyfriend into someone else’s arms?” All these days of setbacks had drained me, and Lele’s words only made me angrier.

“You don’t understand…” Maybe she sensed my anger, because Lele softened her tone.

“There it is again—I don’t understand! Lele, can you stop brushing me off with that every time?” I wondered to myself, was this really the Lele I once knew? “You’ve changed! You really have changed!”

“Xiao Bei, I…” Lele tried to explain.

“Enough, I’m done with this stupid game! I don’t want to play anymore! It ends here, Lele!” Before she could speak, I’d already hung up hard.

Just as I was about to put down my phone, my roommate Xiaolang sent a text: “Xiao Bei, hurry up! The teacher’s taking attendance!”

I glanced at the message, tossed my phone aside, and lay back down, burying my head deep under the covers.

I wish to become a tear in your heart; perhaps only when you touch that tear will you understand the helplessness of my love for you.

(Chapter revised on 2010.9.15)